Brandon Held - Life is Crazy

Episode 33: Three Sons, Countless Lessons: The Unexpected Education of Fatherhood

• Brandon Held • Season 2 • Episode 33

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Brandon explores the transformative impact of fatherhood and shares the key lessons he's learned raising three distinctly different sons throughout their lives and after divorce.

• Finding balance between being present for your children and maintaining self-care
• Leading by example and creating a judgment-free environment for open communication
• Understanding the true meaning of unconditional love through parenting
• The challenge of co-parenting with different value systems after divorce
• Breaking cycles of addiction, abuse, and poverty to create a new family legacy
• Discovering that providing for your family brings greater satisfaction than self-indulgence
• Learning to respect your children's individual personalities and decision-making as they grow
• The importance of finding your authentic parenting style rather than comparing to others

Whatever fatherhood journey you're on, remember that being true to yourself is the foundation of effective parenting. Your children will ultimately respect you more for your authenticity than any attempt to be perfect.


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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to Brandon Held. Life is Crazy. Today we're going to talk about lessons from fatherhood. This topic hits close to home for me and probably many others of you fathers, specifically, fathers specifically. So for those of you that don't know, with any of them full time, I had my two youngest full time until they were about six and eight, and then that is when their mother and I got divorced. So there's lessons to be learned from that. So there's lessons to be learned from that.

Speaker 1:

For those of you who maybe have gone through it or haven't gone through it yet and you're at a point in life where you have questions, I'm going to give you my point of view. Again, as always, I'm not a therapist. I'm not licensed for any type of therapy. I'm not here trying to provide any type of therapy. This is just my life experience, in one man's point of view, and that's what I'm trying to provide. So I'll just start from the beginning.

Speaker 1:

So when my first son was born Ethan is his name I was 24 years old, still very much selfish, still very much all about me and how I wanted to live life and what I wanted to do. And I wanted to do exciting, crazy things right Jump out of airplanes or just drive 150 miles an hour in a car just things that are risky behavior. Hell with it. I'm young, I'm going to live forever, so it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. And when my first son was born and I hold this little thing in my arm for the first time, it's like a switch, touches you, it hits you and it changes you forever. And then you realize life just isn't about you anymore. It doesn't matter that I was married, it doesn't matter that I have siblings, even though my little brother, because he's 10 years younger, did help me have some growth about understanding, helping others, if you will. But this, when you become a dad, it's a game changer. It changes everything, hell. It even changed my drive and desire to succeed in life. I always had it, but I always wanted to do it on my terms, and I realized that when I became a father I couldn't just live life on my terms anymore. I had to do what was necessary, do what I needed to do to take care of this little boy and help him live a better life than I had when I was growing up. When I was growing up, it doesn't mean I was 100% successful all the time across the path, I made mistakes, I had moments of selfishness, and I still do to this day, at 51 years old. I have times where I want to worry about me and I think that's okay, as long as it's a good mix. And you have to worry about you, you have to take care of yourself, because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else, and that is also a lesson I learned along the way and I'll get more into that later. But one of the other things that I received was some patience and understanding that I needed to be present. I needed a presence in his life and my other two sons' life, and that's a big deal.

Speaker 1:

I have three sons. They're all three very different, very different. They don't have the same personalities. I would actually consider my oldest like a mixed of my middle child and my youngest child. He's got a little bit of stubbornness and adventurousness to him and also some very thought provoking and purposeful way of thinking that he just doesn't say whatever he wants whenever he wants. He thinks about what he's saying. And my middle child? He's very considerate of other people's feelings, so much so I think he cares about the people that he loves feelings more than he cares about his own, and he puts other people first, almost to a detriment in that regard. And then my youngest he's all about himself. He's really just whatever Bexton wants to do. That's his name. He spends his time doing what he wants to do, as much as he possibly can, unless he's forced to do otherwise. He puts himself first, he thinks about himself first, and that's the way he is.

Speaker 1:

So they're all three very different, so I had to learn some patience between the three of them, because they each have different qualities that I can appreciate and love, but they also have qualities that are difficult to deal with and hard for me to understand at times, and so that requires patience, because I'm not the type of father that just blows up at his children. I don't wait till they push me to the edge and blow up on them. That's not who I am, and I never wanted to be that kind of father. I'm a bigger dude to be that kind of father. I'm a bigger dude. I'm 6'1", 235, 240. And I know that when I yell or get loud it can be scary, it can be intimidating, no-transcript, and patience really was a big part of that, one of the things that I'd want to be treated, and those are just some of the things that are coming to my mind.

Speaker 1:

But the important lesson here is to act in a way that you would want your children to act, especially if you're not around, because we all know what it was like when we were kids and what kids are like, and young men, even once they become adults. A lot of people act differently around others than they do their parents, because they either try and hide their flaws or they don't want to upset their parents, or whatever the reason is. That goes along with that, and I don't. I didn't want my kids to be that way. Does that mean they tell me everything? No, probably not. How would I know if they didn't, if I didn't find out another way and they didn't tell me I? No, probably not. How would I know if they didn't, if I didn't find out another way and they didn't tell me? I don't know what they're not telling me.

Speaker 1:

But I do know that each of them, at some point in some level, has come to me to talk about things. Whether it be girlfriends, whether it be career, life aspirations, whatever it is, they do feel comfortable coming to me and talking to me about things without the fear of judgment and me getting angry at them and lashing out at them. That's my perspective, right? Who knows if they feel differently. If so, they have not expressed anything differently to me. They've never told me that, oh, you're so judgmental, dad, or oh, you don't listen to me, you just get mad at me. I know that wouldn't be true because I don't do that, and they've never told me that. So those are things that I've tried to focus on when I lead by example is and that goes hand in hand with communication skills.

Speaker 1:

So I think about any relationship you have with someone Maybe you're a married man and you have a spouse that you hide things from or don't tell things, and I have done that in the past. I know with an ex-wife of mine. The moment I told her anything she didn't like, it was instant explosion. It was instant emotional response, whether it be anger or sad or whatever the situation was. Whatever the situation was, I knew I couldn't tell her things because I didn't want to deal with the fallout of what that meant, and so that's the thing I didn't want to have with my children. I didn't want them to ever feel like if they told me something there was going to be fallout that they would have to deal with and they would just have to overcome that to tell me anyway, because I needed to know, or they wanted to tell me. No, I wanted to make that easy. I wanted to make that path easy that they would know I would listen to them and I wouldn't respond in some type of way whether it be anger, sadness, disappointment, whatever it is that they couldn't tell me anything.

Speaker 1:

Now I am someone talk about leadership by example. I am someone who has never drank alcohol in my life, never smoked, never done any drugs except prescription drugs and supplements, and that's definitely a value I instill into my kids. In a way I want them to live life. Now my oldest son you know that right out the window he drinks. He's smoked. I don't know everything he's smoked, but I know he's used a vape pen. I don't know everything he's smoked, but I know he's used a vape pen. I don't know if he still uses it to this day. He lives in Ohio, I live in Arizona.

Speaker 1:

My 17-year-old soon to be 18-year-old has told me straight up how am I ever going to know if I don't like that stuff? I'm curious about that stuff. So he's told me straight up he has a curiosity about it and I've done my best to give my point of view. But all I can do is lead by example and give my point of view and once they become adults, their decisions are theirs and I can still give my point of view, but I don't have any ownership over their decisions and what they can and can.

Speaker 1:

Or in real life and I've experienced this with girlfriends and other things in person where they try to control their kids, even as adults, they try to control what their kids can and can't do and they try to tell them what they can and can't do as late teens 16, 17, 18, and even beyond as adults, yeah, and you try to explain to them that you can't do that First, and even beyond as adults, and you try to explain to them that you can't do that. First of all, they're adults. You can't control their things. Second of all, all you're doing is driving a wedge between yourself and that child, because now all that child wants to do is hide things from you and keep things from you. They're not going to have as close of a relationship with you because they're going to be worried about what you're thinking about them and what they're doing, because it may not necessarily align with your actions and beliefs. So it's just not a good way to go, in my opinion. I would rather be judgment free as much as possible and just stay calm and cool and give your kids advice. I think the part that gets the hardest is when they do something that you feel might be endangering their life. That's difficult to deal with.

Speaker 1:

My oldest son moved into a neighborhood once where it was a bad neighborhood and I was not. That was probably the most unpleased with him I had ever been in my life. I'm sure it is. I know it is just because I didn't want to see him in that situation. And he had a situation when he lived there where someone snuck up behind him in the middle of the night with a machete to his throat trying to rob him. He was lucky to come out of that situation alive and it's not even like after that happened he ever said oh my god, dad, you were right, that was a mistake for me, to me. He never even acknowledged that and that's a little frustrating that sometimes kids have to learn lessons the hard way, but at the same time I just have to be thankful he came out of that as a lesson that he could learn, not a loss that me and everyone that loves him felt, because he didn't get out of that. So they don't always listen, but you sure hope they do and they would, because your life experience counts for something, or it should.

Speaker 1:

One of the next things I'm going to bring up is sacrifice and responsibility. For me that was a couple things. That was prioritizing family, that was financial, providing for the family, and that was important because in a I always really only had to take care of myself financially and I grew up poor and I didn't have much and I didn't have anything. So when I did have money and I did have things, I didn't know how to handle it, meaning I didn't save, I didn't do smart things, I wasted my money on dumb things because I just bought myself things, and I wish that was a lesson I could have learned before I became an adult, but I didn't and it took me a while to learn that lesson. I learned spending money on myself was actually less rewarding than spending it on the people that I loved and taking care of the people that I love. That was something that I learned as a father and husband, but we're going to focus on fatherhood here, and there's a huge satisfaction and reward of seeing the people you love being taken care of, and that's something I was never taught, not a thought that was ever in my brain until I fought past my own intrapersonal struggles of taking, quote, unquote my money and giving it to other people taking care of other people.

Speaker 1:

I was hesitant of that to begin with. I didn't want to do that. I was selfish, I thought I was poor. I worked to get this money, I want to take care of me, and it was such a selfish point of view and such a selfish attitude which I'm not saying was wrong, because that's where I was in life and I didn't have any guidance or advice to push me in any other direction is something I had to learn on my own. It was something that me buying something for my man cave I realized it was less rewarding and less satisfactory than making sure my kids had things that were. Now don't get me wrong, everyone always had what they needed right A roof, food, clothes, everything. I'm just talking about extra things like I don't know, maybe my kid wanted a toy that was expensive, or a video game or an Xbox gift card so they could buy things in the game. Things like that extra things to give them that made them happy just meant more to me than buying things for myself, and that was something I had to learn for myself that being a provider and being responsible like that was greater for the greater good. It made them happy and it actually made me happy. It made me happier than purchasing things for myself. It made me happier than purchasing things for myself and trying to lead and be a father and father, be a guidance for my sons.

Speaker 1:

The hardest thing that I've learned, the hardest lesson that I've learned this whole time for me personally, is doing this divorced, with 50-50 custody or less right, or I didn't get to see them even as much as 50-50 custody because their mothers don't have the same values that I have. So when you're trying to enforce upon your sons that they need to get this kind of education or they should be motivated to be this type of man because it's going to be better for them, it's going to make them happy and I cannot impress enough on my sons how being a man who is fit, intelligent, hardworking and a provider is going to give them personal satisfaction in their lives. It's just like falling on deaf ears and it's hard to do. It's really difficult to do because their mothers just don't care. They're all mama's boys and their mothers are basically like oh honey, you don't have to do anything, you can live with me, your whole, I'll take care of you.

Speaker 1:

My son's mothers have never gotten remarried. They have never even so much as lived with another man thus far, and they're just fine, with my sons always being dependent on them, and it's super difficult, damn near impossible, to guide them as a father to become the men that I want them to become when their mothers are like that. So I bring that up because trying to keep your family together is important. My ex-wives one of them at least. We would have been working together as parents and she would have been on my side and she would have been supporting these beliefs and values in my sons that I want to put in them, because she would have heard from me, she would have listened to me and she would have understood why I want to do these things and how I want to raise them to be young men who can be proud of themselves. But I don't get that now. I don't get that as a divorced father. So it's just really hard practically impossible, for me in my situation to raise my sons to be the men I want them to be and care just as much about doing the same things for your sons or daughter, whatever the case may be, as you do and you work together, even divorced, I just don't have that in my life, so that's been really hard.

Speaker 1:

Another thing I learned through my kids is unconditional love. And people talk about oh, I just want to be loved unconditionally. If we're going to be realistic, the only people who can love you and you can love unconditionally are your parents and your children. Because when a spouse says I want to be loved unconditionally, that's ridiculous to me. That to me, says I should be able to act and behave and do all kinds of things that aren't right, that you're not okay with, and you should love me anyway. No, that's not how that works. And you should love me anyway. No, that's not how that works. If you're a spouse, a significant other, it's not okay. I can't say to a woman oh, I want to go to strip clubs, I want to bang other girls, I want to do whatever and you should love me unconditionally. That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous and vice versa. You have to have values, that you deserve to be loved by a partner. You have to.

Speaker 1:

So unconditional love applies to children and parents and grandparents, whatever. But that was the first time I really understood that concept and grasped that concept, because I do love my kids unconditionally and that will never change. There's almost nothing they could do that I would not love them. There are things that they could do where they could be punished by the law and it could derail their life and it could screw up their life, but I would still love them. They could do horrible things to me and I just can't see my kids doing that. But let's just say one of them did. I would still love them, I would, I just would. I brought them into this world. They're half me and a lot of their personality and their life purpose falls on me and their failures are my failures as a father somewhat. Their mothers have to take some responsibility for that, but I also have to take responsibility for that because I haven't been a perfect father. Being a father has been a lesson the whole way for me. All three of my children are different. Even dealing with my youngest, my 15-year-old, is still a lesson that I'm learning because he's so different than the other two.

Speaker 1:

And I didn't have a father. I didn't have. You know. I had a stepfather who beat my mother and was an alcoholic. That was the standard that was set for me. So when I was young I thought I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not beating my wife, score one. For me the bar was super, super low and I don't set low bars for myself in life. And the older I've gotten, the more the bar has been raised and the standard has been set higher on me for myself and everything in life, not just fatherhood life, not just fatherhood and legacy and values. That's another thing you want to instill in your kids.

Speaker 1:

I'm fortunate enough to have three boys. Not saying I would be unfortunate if I have a daughter. I'm sure she would have me wrapped around her finger and she would own me, but I don't have that situation thus far in my life. And so with my three sons, they have my last name and they're going to pass that on and I want them to be men that they can be proud of, that their future wives can be proud of, can be proud of, that their future wives can be proud of that their future kids can be proud of. All those things matter to me and I hope, more than anything, that they can say my dad helped me become the man that I am. My dad worked hard to break the cycle of addiction and abuse and poverty that his family has been in and he changed that path for me and for my future grandchildren. I hope they recognize that and I hope they appreciate that from me and they can pass that legacy on and not kill it by letting their kids or grandkids fall into the addiction and poverty and abuse lifestyle. I really hope that I change that legacy for my family by the work that I've done. That's really important to me.

Speaker 1:

And the last thing I want to talk about is just time management. Time management is critical because as men we have to take care of ourselves and not get lost on in who we're supposed to be, but what we need to be the best we can be an ex-wife who didn't care that I worked all day and you needed a little bit of time to myself. She wanted me after work to spend every second with her, and whether it was something I wanted to be doing or not, whether it was getting in the minivan and driving 45 minutes across town and going places doing things that I just had no desire or interest to do. I tried to do those things for the good of my family. I tried to just give up who I was, and mentally and emotionally it cost me dearly.

Speaker 1:

I had breakdowns, I was depressed. I would go as far as to say I was suicidal in the fact that the thoughts of ending my life definitely creeped in my mind, because I didn't know what it was all for. Why do I go to work all day and why do I spend my evenings and weekends just going places doing things that are just nothing, that are enjoyable, nothing I want to do? There was just no enjoyment in life for me, none Zero. Between work and after work.

Speaker 1:

I didn't enjoy anything, and when I finally did put my foot down and say, hey, I have to take care of myself too. I need time to myself. I need time to recharge my batteries and give you a good version of me after I've recharged, that's where my marital problems really began, because it was never enough. I could wake up on Saturday, I could spend from breakfast until dinner or close to dinner with my wife and kids. And then when I decided 4 or 5 PM that I wanted to go in my man cave and have some time to myself whether it was watching sports or playing a video game, whatever it was my ex-wife would literally come in screaming at me.

Speaker 1:

Her expectation was I would give her all of the day, all of me, and just any time to myself was just unacceptable and created problems and we had huge fights for those reasons. Because she didn't understand, she didn't want to understand, she didn't try to understand, because when she became a mother, she gave herself 100% to motherhood. Nothing in her life mattered after that Friendships. She just didn't care. She just wanted to be a mother 24-7 and she wanted me by her side, just being a father whenever I wasn't at work. And that's just not who I am. It didn't work for me. Who I am and didn't work for me. And when I figured that out and I decided to take care of myself, I lost her and I lost my family. And I don't really consider her the loss as much because she was selfish and inconsiderate, but the loss of the family, the unit where I could be with my sons every day and raise my sons every day. That part was really painful and it took me a long time to get over and adjust. And it's still painful to this day, just in that, when I try to teach life lessons and be a father to my sons, I can't enforce anything because I don't have an ex-wife their mother that supports me in doing that.

Speaker 1:

These are some of the life lessons from fatherhood.

Speaker 1:

I hope some of these things have resonated with you. I hope they helped you see things from a different perspective, a different point of view, and they showed you. I don't have all the answers. I just know the things that I have learned and the things that I've had to deal with and the things that helped me feel better as a man and the things that didn't help me feel better, made me feel worse, and I had to navigate those things, just like you will. You'll need to figure out what works best for you and just do what you can do to be the best father you can be, and whatever that means, whatever that takes. Just remember everyone's an individual. You can't compare yourself to the neighbor's husband or the neighbor's father, because he's a different man than you are and you're not trying to be someone else. You're trying to be yourself, and that's all you can do to be true to yourself, and I think, at the end of the day, your kids will respect you more for that. So I appreciate you listening and I'll talk to you next time.

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Brandon Held

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