Brandon Held - Life is Crazy

Episode 75: From Trauma To Thriving Relationships With Practical Tools with Nicola Beer

• Brandon Held • Season 3 • Episode 75

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We trace how childhood chaos shaped Nicola’s inner critic, drove workaholism, and made love feel unsafe, then map the tools that rebuilt trust, intimacy, and connection. Practical takeaways include clearing resentment, creating device-free time, and using the Five A’s to strengthen partnerships.

• childhood patterns imprinting self-blame and anxiety
• disordered eating and body judgment in university culture
• career redirection, workaholism, and dating sabotage
• trauma-informed therapy and psychedelic-assisted insights
• building self-trust to risk love and repair
• attention and quality time over constant distraction
• clearing resentments before communication tactics
• practical framework using the Five A’s for longevity
• health costs of suppressed anger and unspoken needs

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome back to Brandon Held Life is Crazy. And today I'm very, very excited about this episode and my guest. Her name is Nicola Beer, and she is a facilitator with over 20 years of experience in helping individuals and couples heal from trauma, anxiety, addiction, and emotional disconnection. But what I love about her is not only is she helping people with those things, she didn't just learn it from a book and try to teach people uh based off of things she's read. She's actually had to live it as well and go through it herself. And so she's almost like the perfect guest for me. And I'm very excited to go through her story and how she can help anyone going through the same troubles today. How are you doing today, Nicola?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I'm great. Thank you. Thanks for a lovely introduction, and I'm happy to be here.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, you're very welcome, and thank you for being here. Uh, it's my pleasure having you as a guest. I appreciate that. Uh you know, I know I just gave a little bit about you, and if you want to give another maybe small introduction about yourself, if there's anything I missed or anything else you'd like to add, then feel free.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, how you introduced me was great, and just that I specialize in really yeah, like you said, relationships and trauma and how they how trauma affects relationships like low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and really help people to have thriving relationships by healing individually and together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, great. And I think there's a lot of people that could use those services and could use help in that arena in life. So uh we're just going to get into what we do here on Life is Crazy, and we're just going to go through your life story and talk about what you've been through and how what you've been through led you to where you are today. And uh let's just start with your childhood, you know, tell everyone where you grew up, what it was like, things like that.

SPEAKER_01:

Sure. So I grew up in Southampton in the UK, and growing up was a real struggle. You know, sometimes people, when they think about their childhood, they can remember a lot of good, and then some negative experiences or all good. But for me, it's I I just remember struggle and pain, unfortunately. My mother was very aggressive and um in words, um, sometimes used to be violent towards us, and she was really struggling. And um, I now know now, but I didn't know obviously at the time that my dad was having lots of affairs. So my mum was you know crying when she was pregnant with me, really you know, stressed and worried. And my mum at the time thought, okay, if I continue having more children with my dad, then he would stay, he would change, he would be loyal. So my mum had four children, all two years apart. So there were there were four of us two years apart, and then um seven years later we had um my other sister. So at home there was very little attention. You were just either shouted at or just left. And um she was never happy, and she was also having quite a lot of breakdowns. Um, only about 15 years ago, she was diagnosed with bipolar. But my dad was, I remember a conversation between my mum and dad when I was around 10, and my dad begging my mum to get help to the doctors, begging her to help get help for herself, but she she didn't because she was so scared in those times. It if she went to the doctors, she would be, we would all be taken away from her. If they knew that she hit us or she was swearing and shouting at us, we would go. So she she didn't get any help, unfortunately. So um, I learned a lot of unfortunate uh messages from that time that you can't trust anybody, like did especially people that are meant to love you, that I'm not good enough, I'm bad. I felt that it was my fault that I was making my mum so angry, that I was making her say really horrible things. Like she said, she would say things like, Oh, I wish I never had you, I wish I was dead, I wish you were dead, even like things like that. And obviously she was just so unwell. Um, but at the time, as a child, and this is uh true for most children, that you you blame yourself, you think it's you, because we need to attach to our parents for survival. So a child has two choices to think, okay, my my parent is bad or I'm bad. We don't have that integrated thinking as children, even as adults, it's a struggle to have that integrated thinking where we think, okay, they're they're shouting at me, they're stressed because of what's happening in their relationship or because they're that we don't have any money. You don't have that thinking. So it's either they're bad, you know, they're wrong or I'm wrong. And you never want to think your parents are wrong, you need them. And adults, you know, we we believe when we're children, adults never lie, adults are always right. So you end up blaming yourself. And that was my my story. And so for a lot of my early life, really up until my early 20s, I took the voice of my mum, that critical voice that was like, you're lazy or you're stupid or you're selfish, or you know, you just I make it trouble. And I I used it on myself, so I was so critical of myself, and I lived like that for a long time. So I would um moan at myself, you know. Let's say I went out and met some people, had a few drinks with them, then I'd be like, Oh, you shouldn't have drunk that, you shouldn't have ate that, you shouldn't have said that. Like the next day, the anxiety and the the beating myself up, like I expected myself to be perfect, I analyzed, I judged myself, and um it impacted my romantic relationships a lot in in many ways, which I can talk about in a in a moment. So I think the the main thing that I got from that was just this this harsh critical voice, which until I'd started doing um different forms of therapy, I didn't realize that you could be free of this voice. And when I did get free of this voice, I was like, wow, is this how normal people live? Like you're just in peace, you don't have this nag, nagging voice telling you, you know, you're doing everything wrong, change, change, do fix, and do this. So yeah, that was my my experience of childhood. And my dad left when I was um 14, but he was also absent a lot. He he, you know, he didn't know how to handle it, so he would just shut down when he was there, and then when I was um 13, 14, he just went and we went from seeing him, you know, every week to seeing him once every three months, and his time would be divided by all five of us. So it was like I lost my mum at 14 because she went even worse. She went more depressed and angry, and she completely changed personality. She went from you know being um quite heavily into the church and and dressing very formally to them wearing knee-high boots and short skirts, and trying out getting drunk for the first time in her life at 42. So I was like, what has happened to my mum? And my dad left. So I was like, it was just like I've lost at that critical age 14. I was like, what is you know, the world is is is crazy.

SPEAKER_00:

There's so much that you could take from that childhood. And first of all, let me just say uh I'm sorry that that was your childhood. That's that is very well described by you, and frankly, you know, I'll if you take away the fact of molestation and things like that, it is one of the worst childhoods that I've heard someone talk about on my show. And I have so many questions. I want to start with uh did you ever get any praise at all? Were you always just criticized, or were you ever praised? Do you even hear a kind word?

SPEAKER_01:

From my mum, no, yeah, from your mum. From my mum, no. And her story is that her mum died when she was 16 and was dying from the age of 12 to 16, so she never really had a mother figure. So I didn't think she really knew how to be a loving mum because she didn't have one. And I think sometimes she would be like, Well, I didn't have a mum. Well, I didn't so um, so not not from my mum. The only time she was nice um was when I was sick. And I remember taking in a note to school one time, and um I and I opened it because my mum had just folded it for me to give to the head teacher, and I read it on the way to school, and it said, Is anything happening at school? Um, is Nicola being bullied or is there any troubles? Because she keeps being home, sent home sick, but she's fine, there's not really anything wrong with her. And so, and I I remember reading that, and now obviously I I I can see that was a significant thing because I was being sick because that was how if I had the flu or a cold or was sick, my mum would like I would be able to be in the lounge with her because she used to have her own TV room that we weren't allowed in because we'd just annoy her. Um, I was allowed in there. Um, she gave me lemonade and toast all day, she cuddled me, she was so nice, yeah. Um, and so yeah, and then my dad, when my dad was there, he would protect us sometimes for my mum and take me away and say, Right, just don't you know stop crying, don't listen to your mum, or buy you a chocolate bar. And you know, so there was a little bit from my dad, but I think the the reason I turned out okay was because of my nan. And my nan um was full of love and held us, and you know, she was just so loving. And so the times that we saw her, you had a a cup full of love and and and kindness.

SPEAKER_00:

You're just you're getting all kinds of uh bad learned behavior in that environment, right? I just hear negative, negative, negative. The only time anything loving or positive happens is if you're sick, so then that makes you want to be sick, just so you can get this affection and love that you desire from your mother. And obviously, being sick is uh not something to aspire to be, you know. So it's it's just a pretty uh awful setup for you for life, because now all you know is a negative voice, and you know that you know, sickness, or even maybe maybe you pretended to be sick, pretending to be sick is you know something that was good for you in life, it helped you out in life. So man, what a rough way to start. Okay, you become an adult, you turn 18, um, or somewhere around adulthood age. Uh how how did you lean into adulthood? What path did you take when you got there?

SPEAKER_01:

So um I was lucky at school to have friends that were quite academic, so I was also quite focused. So I was um I was able I went to university. Um, I didn't have anyone to talk to about the choices of university or the subjects, so I kind of copied my friends, which in hindsight now I wish I I I actually had someone to talk to that asked me about what I would have liked to have done and what would be my career path, but I didn't, but anyway, it turned out okay. Um so I went, I I couldn't wait to go to university. And um, so at 18 I went to University of Bath, but um I soon had a massive um second crisis there. So what I didn't share in my teens is that um uh I think it was around about 14, um, I developed um disordered eating. So I would be starving myself or overeating and trying to just stuff myself to not feel emotions, and I had a really unhealthy relationship with food. It was also the way that our household had food was because we never had any sort of fish or meat or high-quality food because we were poor, it was all bread and cereals, and so I didn't understand healthy eating for one, and two, it was, you know, I was just I used to, when I felt unhappy or unwell, I would just stuff myself and then I'd go through periods of bulimia and everything like that. So my university years, unfortunately, was even more well, I wouldn't say even more traumatic, but it was traumatic. So I went into my first year, I was bigger than I wanted to be. Um, I felt that. I've and I went to the a very snobby university. So everything was like, what do your parents do? What public school did you go to? You know, what private paid school did you go to? And I just was like, Well, I'm uh I didn't, and my my dad's uh a lorry driver or um sometimes he's a mechanic. Um, he does both, and my mum doesn't work, you know, like it was just so much judgment. Yeah, and I um I had a friend there who was insecure as well, um, but in different ways, and she was like, right, let's go on a diet. So we were about four, four or five months into university. She's like, let's go on a diet, you know, let's look better and let me sort out your hair because your hair's a right mess, and let me change you. And I was just like, you know, I didn't realize obviously now at the time, it's just like another version of kind of my my mum and my my un my and my own thoughts. I'm not good enough. So we started this diet, and um, I just took it to to obsession. So then we had a four-month university break for the the end of the first year of university. So I literally went down uh four to four to five like dress sizes. I went to being extremely worryingly looking thin. Um, and uh because I became assessed with it over the summer I'd work, just eat apples, two apples, three apples a day.

SPEAKER_00:

And just very anorexic then.

SPEAKER_01:

So I was pretty much anorexic, yeah, um, for that period. And then then this is where the trauma came in. I didn't see that as traumatic. What when the trauma came in was then I went back to university. And every single person that wouldn't give me the time of day because they thought I was big and ugly or whatever they thought, now was talking to me. Sometimes it was nice out of concern, like, oh, you know, you look well done for losing weight, don't lose anymore. Like all these strangers were coming out saying, don't lose anymore. And some people were actually like found me more attractive like that, and they were like, you know, and it was just every single person I met then um was judging me on my body, and it was I then I just wanted to be invisible. Then I just felt like oh my god, this is what the world's like. Like all everyone cares about is you know, my weight, and how have I, you know, some people were like, How did you do that? That's amazing, you look great. Um, I was like size UK six. I don't I think that's like size zero in um in the US.

SPEAKER_00:

No, yeah, I wouldn't know that.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. Anyway, it was tiny, it was tiny compared to well, it was tiny, and um, so some people were liked me and and thought it was good and wouldn't and other people were like worried, and that's just everywhere, and so you I just was like thought, how shallow is this world? Just leave me alone, like I'm struggling here, and not one person, you know, no one really helps. And then I went to the university um doctor and they were like saw me for three minutes, and they were just here you go, here's some pills, just here's some pills to sleep, here's some pills for anxiety, and that was it. And I was just like, okay, but luckily, you know, over the years I I I managed to to get out of that. So my when I look back at the University of Bath, I don't have good feelings, but luckily, in that four-year degree, I did a work placement year for a year. So one year I escaped that university, and I worked in Bournemouth in IBM for a year, and that was when I made great friends, I felt seen for who I am, I felt I I found out who I was. So that year was one of the best years of my life. So um that's when I really see myself coming out into who I am now, whereas before then, you know, I was I was pretty lost.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I had a good time in college when I was young, but I do definitely know how vain everyone was, myself included. I I started, you know, lifting weight. I I had already served four years in the Air Force, and I was pretty skinny, you know, six foot one, but not a lot of uh muscle or meat on me. And I just saw how vain everyone is, how you know important looks were to everyone. And I guess in a way to fit in and feel better about myself, I started lifting weights because my roommates lifted weights, and everyone else around me was lifting weights and putting on muscle. So that's how it started for me, too. But I did enjoy my time in college, even though that was the atmosphere. So I do understand what you're saying about that. Uh, you didn't say what major you picked, what degree did you get?

SPEAKER_01:

Sure. So I did sociology, okay. Um, which is why groups of people do certain things. So psychology is about the person, the brain, how an individual acts, and sociology is patterns. So why do lower class people end up doing this? I hate the term lower class, but you know, that's what they lower lower economic class, poor people.

SPEAKER_00:

I was poor people too. Poor people, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So or why do why do this ethnicity end up doing this? Like look, you're looking at all the patterns, or why are women better, you know, better at this or uh in these jobs and things like that. So it's looking at patterns in society and how to help them. And I did it with human resources as well. So how does that impact the the the workforce?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, well, that's certainly uh I think interesting at the very least, you know. Yeah, where it takes you in a career world, I don't know because that's not my world, but uh just as far as because I always thought I always found sociology and psychology interesting, right? I always thought seeing why people do what they do and behave the way they behave and all those things, I've always found that interesting. And I jokingly always say, Oh, I'm an amateur psychologist because I didn't go to school for psychology or anything like that, but I can read people super quickly, and I can tell within seconds to a minute whether or not I like you, whether or not I think you're a good, honest person, or you know, whether you're you're there's lots of different ways I can go with that, but I'm pretty spot on. Every now and then someone surprises me, but I'm pretty spot on with those assessments that I make of people. I don't let other people tell me, like if I, you know, if I knew you and I was gonna meet some, you know, a person named Joe, and you were like, Oh, this is Joe's like this, right? I don't let other people tell me what someone's like because usually that's just their perception. I like to make my own thoughts in on a person when I meet them, and a lot of times I find what someone else thinks about someone is not the same thing I think about them when I actually meet them. That would be a cool field, and so where did that take you after college?

SPEAKER_01:

So that's another interesting story, actually. So I um I planned to live with my sister in Portsmouth and go Greek island topping with my friend. Oh wow, and uh yeah, uh that was the that was gonna be my plan. And I was moved all my stuff up to my sisters. I just had a backpack that I needed to carry to get to her house. And that all that day I felt I really don't want to get the train to see her. I'm a bit tired to get the train. Should I get the train? Shall I not get the train? But you know, and I called up my sister and said, Is there any way you could pick me up? And she said, No, I can't call her husband. I was like, I called her husband and said, Is there any way? He was like, No. So I was like, okay, I'll get the train. Um, and so I this is my stupidity. I was wearing a big, a big Thailand backpack because I went to Thailand a year before by myself traveling. So I bought a big Thailand backpack with high heels. And I walked over the train station bridge, which I've walked over all my life because it's just down the road from where I grew up, and I fell and I hit my head there, and then I hit my head again there, and that got I've got scars there. Um and I was like bleeding, and I'd called up my mum and I said, Mum, I think you're gonna have to come and take me to the hospital. So my mum came, picked me up, uh, went to the hospital, and um, I needed to be looked after. I had like black eye and everything. So I stayed at my mum's. I lost the job that I was going to start in in Portsmouth, and um ended up staying in Southampton, which is where um, and it was actually okay living with my mum then. She was a lot more mellow, she had sort of become more mellow, and she was, I just thought, you know what, I'll look for a job here. And the first job I found as a graduate was in recruitment. So I started my career in recruitment, and at the same time I worked on a suicide line, but um the the job in recruitment taught me a lot about people and um how the world works, and and and that's how I ended up moving to Dubai. So I'm very thankful that that accident happened and that something intervened and changed my whole life course, and I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for for that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you know, you know, I had something very similar happen to me in life, and I'll give I'll say this really quickly, uh, because I have said it in the past on uh because I give my life story in the first 25 episodes of the show. But I was joining the army at 29, and when I was joining, I was supposed to go to basic training in uh South Carolina, and I was supposed to have a job in the supply chain, and it was a three-year commitment. And right before I was about to join, I had sliced my hand open on a mirror that had a crack in it that I didn't see. Uh, ironically, packing my stuff away to put into storage for joining the army, and I sliced it so bad I had gotten into the nerves and tendons and everything. So I had to cancel my my contract with the army and I had to sign another one. And because that happened, I had to go to a whole different place for boot camp, which gave me a whole different career instead of supply chain. I went into food inspection, and then that brought me to Fort Wachuca in the army in Arizona, and I've lived in Arizona ever since, and I feel the same way, like I'm so thankful that I sliced my hand open because if not, I may have never gotten to Arizona, and I love Arizona, so I you know I had the same type of thing happen to me.

SPEAKER_01:

It's funny how life intervenes in that way. Um but it for me, it was the best thing that happened because that career really gave me so much, and I got to move to to Dubai, so yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And so had had you been single this whole time? Because I would imagine, you know, growing up in the environment and situation, you didn't understand what a healthy relationship was. So uh how'd that been going?

SPEAKER_01:

So at university, I was definitely single, and then I met someone after I had this head injury in Southampton. So we were in a relationship for about a year and a half, but it was on and off, and you know, we break up and then we get back together, and it was a bit ridiculous, really. And then I I I went to Dubai and um yeah, I was dating a lot. I I met someone and I was in a relationship again for about two years, which was good, but apart from that, out of my 16 years there, um I was single, trying, looking for love. Wow, but because of my patterns, um not succeeding, not succeeding at all. Um at the beginning there wasn't the internet dating, and I had people like me, but it just things weren't working out, and then I had this person for like two years and then 10, 11 years of trying. Um, and I there's lots of reasons for that. You know, first of all, um, because of my childhood, I would see red flags when there weren't any red flags. So I would go on dates with really nice people, but then I might think, I'm not really sure. And like I'd all I'd I would always find excuses as well, why now wasn't the good time. Why now wouldn't be right. I'd let me just finish this project, let me just work really hard, let me just save money for a house, let me do this. And I look when I look back at the time I thought, okay, maybe it's because of um my well, it's it's multiple things. One of the things is my relationship with work. So I have been, and probably my biggest addiction, which I've been working on for a long time, is um my addiction to work, my workaholism. Um and that got in the way of relationships because because of my childhood, because of all the arguments that my parents had around money, work became like my um my saviour. I I I saw it when I and this was revealed in therapy sessions, that I saw it as like my safe haven. If I focus on work and I focus on earning money and saving money, I'm gonna be safe. And nothing else is gonna save me or help me other than my own hard work and stability. So it was really hard to take time off. And when I did take time off, um I would have these negative voices saying, Oh, you're lazy, you know, you need to be working harder, you need to be productive. And when I had days where I didn't feel I was very productive, I would feel really low. I would feel quite down. And um, I luckily, thankfully, I managed to heal the eating, um, the eating issues, but then the this workaholism sort of sabotaged um relationships. So I'd go on a really nice date and meet someone, and then they say, right, when can I see you again? And I'd be like, Oh, two weeks' time. Yeah, and then you know, I was just sabotaging, but not realizing that I was sabotaging, thinking that okay, Dubai is really hard to meet nice men, and you know, so that's so that was one reason it was difficult. And the other reason that I believe my dating, finding the right person was difficult was because of me again, because I didn't know if I wanted children or not. And I didn't know whether I wanted children or not because of my childhood. That definitely had a link. You know, I didn't want to be crazy like my mum, I didn't want to hurt a child like my mum, and also I have ADHD, so um, I do get bored quite quickly, and I was just like, I know that from my psychology that children really need so much love and attention, and I was scared whether I would be able to give a child the love and attention that they deserve. So when I'd go on dates and meet men that really wanted to um have children, and they were like, right, you know, let's get married and have children, let's have four children, let's do this, and I'd be like freaked out and Scared because one, I'd I'd I just had I've always had this fear that I might not be able to have children, and then I've always had this fear that I might not be a very good mum, which obviously comes probably from my childhood. And then um when I'd meet men that already had their wife and children and they were divorced and it didn't work out, I would be scared, like, well, I'm not gonna be special, like they've already married, they've already got their family, they've already got their own life, I'm not gonna fit in, I'm not gonna be important because their most important thing, and rightly so, is their children, but the most important thing they've already got their other family. So the and these were all fears in my head. I didn't even give it a chance. Um, so I was just sabotaging right, left, and center.

SPEAKER_00:

Um yeah, this might be an oversimplification. I'm sure it is an oversimplification, but what you saw growing up was a mom that had no control, and it was based off of the love of a man that she couldn't get the love for. So she was having babies, she was depressed, she was everything uh revolving around her was based off of her trying to achieve this love of your father that she wasn't getting, so she had no control of her life, and you saw that, and you didn't want to not have that kind of control, you didn't want someone to have that kind of power over you, and you know, I think love you feared love for that reason, and rightfully so, because uh, you know, whether you wanted kids or not, and it makes sense that you would question that as well. Everyone wants to be loved, right? Everyone wants someone they can lean on and go cuddle up next to at the end of the day, and you know, share your fears and your joys and all those things with. And you know this, I'm not telling you anything. It just makes sense that you would avoid love based off of that past.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I I just kept sabotaging and sabotaging even people I really liked, you know, they'd say, Right, let's go on a date, and I really like this guy, and then the night before, I would just get absolutely, you know, really drunk, and so I'd be so hung over the next day, and I'd have to cancel because I literally just couldn't do it because I was too had a banging headache, and I'd think what and he after a couple of tries, he went, Some things just aren't meant to be. And I remember feeling so gutted, but yeah, I just was sabotaging, sabotaging and finding excuses. Oh, just I'll do this, I'll do that, and uh yeah, totally makes sense.

SPEAKER_00:

So, how did you correct that? Obviously, you needed to get help somewhere along the way, and you needed to heal your traumas from your childhood. And how did that come about? How did that happen?

SPEAKER_01:

Sure. So I um I I started doing trauma-informed therapy, which I'm now trained in, and which is where you you know bring up a present issue to each session, something that's bothering you in that session, and then you look at okay, when when did the first time you feel this? Let's say, you know, I feel not good enough, and I've got a stress in my stomach, and I've got you know, and then it's like, how far back does that go? And it's like, okay, it's a memory of my mum, or it's a memory of this. So just doing it layer by layer, this was really powerful and helped me. Um, and just helped me to see how um it's not true, I'm not my mum, um, I am lovable, and and things like that. And then um I got into a relationship which I um was very much loved, but I still kept doubting and questioning the love. So then I thought, right, I need something deeper. And then that's when I went and um did a psychedelic um uh retreat, a one-to-one private retreat with a lady, and that really helped me, really helped me to see everything and everything clearly in my relationship, how I was loved, how I am loved, where it all comes from, like every sort of all the pieces in the puzzle came together. So both of those tools really helped. And then after you do those though, you need to then integrate it into your life. It's one thing to have the insights through whatever therapy, but then you need to bring it into your daily life. So, how are you gonna be in a relationship? How are you gonna be in in this kind of thing? And and now um I have that capacity to, like you said, I was so scared of love, so scared of being vulnerable and being um controlled and and and losing control myself. And and luckily I've now built that where I can love and get hurt. Obviously, I don't want to get hurt. Yeah, who wants to is a it's a part of it's a part of loving. And yeah, so um so I I really feel like talk therapy wasn't doing anything for me. Just talking about things, it's really getting insights doesn't help either. It's like deep emotional clearing and then deep changes after that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, being vulnerable is very scary, and some people just can't do it, they just can't bring themselves to do it. But love takes trust, right? It it just does because when you're vulnerable with someone and you love them and they love you back, you're clearly vulnerable to being hurt, like you said, right? And you no matter what anyone thinks, you don't know what's going on inside someone else's head. And you know, I experience this personally as well. It can change like that. I you know, I was married for 12 years, and I thought I was with someone who would never leave me. She would say to me regularly, I don't I love you so much, I don't want to know what life is with like without you. I wouldn't want to know what life is like without you. And then in the end, she left me. Um so there was a lot of security and comfort in knowing, oh, I have this person that loves me so much and she's always gonna be here for me. And then she left. And so that that kind of flipped me upside down, like, well, you know, if I can't trust her, I'm never gonna be able to trust anybody, right? Because she was so sure that we were together forever, and then she changed her mind somewhere along the way. So, yeah, there's a lot of vulnerability and trust that comes with loving someone.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and I think you know, through everything, uh one of the things that I share with people that I work with and support people I work with, and I really try to um embrace myself is that what you really need to focus on is trusting yourself. So trusting yourself that no matter what happens, you're gonna be okay. Yeah, so I trust myself that if my heart gets broken, if I lose everything, that I'm gonna get help, I'm gonna support myself, I'm gonna keep, you know, I'm gonna go into right real health mode, like right nutrients, right food, right exercise, right time off, connect with friends and family, make new friends and family if I don't have good connections. Just I will do whatever it takes to look after myself until I'm okay again. When I have that trust in myself that I can handle it, then um I think then that resilience, and then I think you can be vulnerable. But this is where sometimes people don't trust themselves, they believe I will be broken, I will collapse, I will be depressed, and that's what kind of blocks them. So building that trust in yourself is is is really the key.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that I that's well put. I mean, it uh what you just said is all the key for sure. Whatever you believe is the way it's going to be, right? So if you believe, because I have those inner voices too, right? I have those inner thoughts too, you know what what would happen if, say, my wife left me now. And I can go whatever way I tell myself in my head, it can be awful, depressing, my life is over, or it can be I'll survive, life goes on, and so it really is just how you frame it that makes it, you know, the way it's going to turn out. So that's really well put. I do have a question for you because uh I think you know this might be something people struggle with. And it I saw that it's something that you help people with. And how do people, how do you recommend that people reignite intimacy and connection in long-term partnerships?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so with intimacy and connection, I mean, the first thing is to make sure that you have enough time. Like today, in today's world, everybody is so on their phone all the time, watching things all the time, like it's just distracted. And a lot of couples, they're there next to each other, but they're not really present. They're not really giving each other attention. So to have thriving intimacy and connection, you need to have um, you know, you really need to be giving each other attention. So it's not enough to say, let's be on our phones less, let's, you know, you need to make rules around it. So sometimes couples that I work with, they'll say, right, two nights a week, we won't be on our phones, or let's go, let's go for walks without our devices, let's have an hour connecting, like kind of making rules. So attention is the first thing in reviving intimacy and connection. And so many couples come to me with communication problems, and they say, We can't communicate, we're arguing over everything, or we're having the silent treatment, or we're um, you know, but there's a lot of um passive aggressiveness or snark remarks and things like that, and they want to focus on the communication. Well, I do definitely help people with communication, that's part of one of my program, but the there's two steps before that. And so the first two steps for really thriving intimacy and connection is to build the connection. So affection, attention, having each other's back, respect, um, doing activities, doing nice things together, um, giving each other space to be your own person. So these are the things that really help couples to connect. Enough quality time. I like to say to couples, at least have 10 hours quality time alone a week, no children around, no friends around, just the two of you. So that's really the connection. And then also for intimacy and connection, which a lot of therapists sometimes miss or couples miss when they're trying to work things out on their own, is you have to clear the negative thoughts and resentment. Because if you are having a lovely date night and you have a great time, but then when you're back home, you have this voice that says, Oh, they're lazy, they're selfish, they're controlling, they're never happy, everything I do is wrong, they're always tired, they're always in a bad mood. You know, like you've got this repetitive voice going on and on, then you're not gonna feel, you know, desire, passion, connection. You're just gonna have the, you know, gonna believe these thoughts, like you said earlier, about what you believe becomes true. And so, you know, people don't get divorced by these big events. I mean, a lot of the work that I do is a fair recovery when someone's had a big cheating incident for you know months or years, even. But that's not what ends a relationship, it's the constant negative thoughts about a person, and then you treat them that way, and then they treat you that way. They think, okay, you're judging me or you're criticizing me, or I'm gonna criticize you, and and and resentment. So, in order to have really good intimacy and connection, the first thing is actions that are gonna bring you closer, and the second thing, equally important, is looking at how is my thinking helping or harming this relationship. Am I thinking lots of negative things? Am I holding on to the past? Am I still hurt about okay, on my birthday three years ago you did this or you said that to my parents, or you weren't there for me on that day when I had this problem? You know, if you're holding on to the past, again you're bringing the negativity into the present, which is gonna block the intimacy and block the connection. Um then the communication gets better.

SPEAKER_00:

I love everything you said there, and I think one of the things that we have to do is make things that aren't normal normal to talk about, right? And without it coming across as criticism or negativity. So I'm just going to ask you directly in the people that you worked with, uh, what you just described, do you find that to be more true in women than men?

SPEAKER_01:

Um I would say it's mixed. I think women maybe express their resentment and their negativity more. Men let it build and build and build, and then they get really angry, and then it comes out and they'll do something or say something like that where it's exploded because they've kept it in, they've kept it in, and then it's uh it's more of an explode where I think sometimes women will express more, but there's there's you know, it's a type of person more than it is a gen a gender thing, I I find.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, no, I was just curious because I follow some psychology, social media things, and they've been saying lately that the that you know obviously men and women's brains are just wired differently, right? We know that, but the part of the woman's brain that remembers negative things that holds on to uh negative feelings is much more pronounced than it is for men. So women hold on to negative feelings more than men do, and for much longer than men do. And that's certainly been the case that I've had in my life in relationships. I know that I've tried to let fights and arguments go and move on, but the person that I'm with just can't. They just hang on to them and they just keep coming back up. Yeah, so I was just curious if you were seeing that happen in your world as well.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I think you know, the statistics show that more women file for divorce, so that could be the you know, yeah, very true as well. That that's the reason why, because they're they're they're thinking a lot of the negative thoughts. And the problem is that people don't know how to get rid of them, and how you get rid of them is you you first of all need to be aware of everything you're thinking. So when I do these exercises, I have people write down all the things that they're resenting, all the things that are negative, and then looking at okay, what's their part in them, and then you know how are they how have they contributed to that? Um, and that gets them to think, okay, maybe I could change some things and and look at my behavior and let it go. And then we look at it at the list and we say, right, what can you let go? So let's say something happened five years ago, the person has changed that, they're not doing that anymore. That's the one where you go, right, gonna let that go. But sometimes you can't let go of things because the same thing keeps happening. And if the same keen thing's happening, if a person's like, oh, for example, this is a silly example, but that's but for some couples it's not silly actually. If someone's always late, and it can be really frustrating for someone. So they're always late, they're always late, they're always late.

SPEAKER_00:

And you can't frustration I have with my wife, by the way.

SPEAKER_01:

So you can't say, okay, well, I'm gonna forgive all the the I'm gonna forgive the 10 times that you were late on really important things if you're late now, because every time they're late now, it's a trigger to that. So it it's like you've you need to sit down and say, right, what can we do to prevent this situation happening again? What can we do to to change it? Because people can let go of resentments quite easily if they believe and they've talked about it and they said, right, this is what we'll do instead. Yeah, I'll do this, and then you do that, or I'll meet you there in the car, or I'll get ready before you, or whatever it is, you have like a plan. Um, so yeah, it's it's fine, it's finding the the solutions and also knowing that holding on to that negativity and resentment is very dangerous for your physical and your mental health. Dr. Gabor Mate, he he studied um these these women over a period of 10 years, this study that he cites, so he didn't do the study, but he cites, and he found um of people and they were unhappy in their marriage. And he found that people that were unhappy, women that were unhappy in their marriage, but that didn't express their unhappiness were um four times more likely to have cancer or an autoimmune disease, five years and ten years later. So even if you are angry and upset, it is actually better to express it and to get it out than than to hold it in. But yeah, yeah, there's a lot, there's a lot I want to add here.

SPEAKER_00:

One, what you just stated is the reason I refuse to hate anyone, right? Because hating someone is just poison for me, right? It doesn't, if I hated you, it doesn't affect you in any type of way, it just kills me inside because I hold that hate. So uh, and two, I don't know what the world statistics are in Europe, the UK, whatever, but I do know in America that 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and of those 70%, 90% of those are initiated by women who have a higher level of education. Do with that what you will, those are the statistics, that's the reality here in America, and then also what you were saying earlier about quality time. In my previous relationships, I would go days without spending any one-on-one time with my wife, whether it would be because you know she was taking care of kids, or you know, I just wanted to be watching football or sports or whatever, whatever the case was. Um, and obviously we had some drifting apart and not being as close situations when you behave like that. So, in my current marriage, which is by far the best relationship I've ever had, from the beginning, we have a cutoff time at the end of every day that both of us have to stop whatever we're doing, regardless of what it is. Um, you know, my my wife's in law school, she's getting a jurisdoctorate, you know, I have a full-time job, two podcasts, etc. And we have a cutoff time. What she can no longer do schoolwork, she can no longer do anything else, I can no longer do this, and we come together and we must be together, no phones, no nothing, just the two of us, uh, for the rest of the night. And it's done wonders for our marriage. We have never felt apart. We felt close the whole time we've been together, which is only four years at this point, but it's still four years of you know, always feeling close. So I definitely can agree with what you're saying, like as far as uh support what you're saying is what I was trying to say.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, no, that's really that's really great. And I I think that's a really good thing that to for people to remember that relationships I with my experience get better as you get older. When you know yourself more, when you evolve more, when you know how to handle things more. And and when you look at the um, you know, the the most important thing in relationships really is to look at when you're triggered and when you're upset, yeah, to ask yourself, okay, is this really about the situation? And um, what am I believing to be true? Because so many couples will argue and they'll come to me and they'll say, I'm being disrespected, or they think I'm stupid, or and it's like, okay, so what why do you you know they'll give like let's say three or four examples where their partner they think, oh, they're they're talking to me because they think I'm stupid, or they're saying that because they think I'm stupid. It's like where do where where did you first believe that you you were being stupid? Where do you believe people think you're stupid? And it always goes back to the childhood, it always goes back to some earlier event or previous relationships. Like, when did you believe that this person um is disrespecting you? Or you know, like so it's so important to ask, what am I believing to be true? And is it really true? Actually, they're just tired, busy, and they've just said no, sort it out yourself. Yeah, you know, like and and then that person believes, okay, they're they're disrespecting me or they don't care for me. Is it really true they don't care for you? Well, actually, no, let's look at the whole week. They've cared for me a lot this week, and so it's just really pausing and asking ourselves, where is this coming from? And when I first started doing this work about 20 years ago, helping people with relationships, and the reason I did that was because I was drawn to relationships because I wasn't very good at relationships. I think I was one of those people that was like, I'm drawn and fascinated by how to make a good relationship work because I I was obviously because I was so scared of love, I couldn't. Um, and I I think the more that you can re the well when I first started, I read lots of um books and studied famous psychologists on relationships, and they said that the 10 the 90-10 rule, so 90% of what you're upset about in your current relationship is probably to do with your childhood in the past, and 10% to do with the current situation. And I thought, no, actually that can't be true in my relationship. This person's really annoying me, and it's got to be 60-40. You know, no, they've they've really dubbed my head in, it's all them, it's their wrong. Then now I can now do this formal informed therapy where we always go back to the past and always goes back to something else. I'm like, yeah, it's definitely 9010. It's definitely what you know, whatever upsets us now is is really triggered from the past.

SPEAKER_00:

So, yeah, and I I definitely still have triggers to this day. Uh, disrespect is a huge trigger for me, and I know it can set me off quickly, so that's something that I have to be aware of, and also treating me like I'm stupid is a trigger for me as well. So I get that, and it is a trigger, right? It's not necessarily what the other person's saying or doing because it's 10%, like you said. But once the trigger gets fired, then you're you know, that other 90% starts coming into play. So one of the other things that I think really helps us as we wrap up here is we actually inform each other when we're feeling a certain type of way. And what do I mean by that? It means I could be grumpy, I could be having uh an emotional day, like maybe depress, you know, feeling on the verge of like depression, not really depression, but just a sad, not good mood. I could be feeling sick, I could be feeling sensitive or whatever I am feeling or my wife is feeling. We actually make it a point to relay that to the other person so they can be aware of what space we're in. So that way, obviously, if I'm saying I'm having a bad day, I feel grumpy today, you're not gonna come at me with something heavy or emotional because I'm not going to respond well. I already told you I'm grumpy, so you're gonna save that for later. And we give each other that respect, and it has really helped a lot. Um, so I'm a huge fan of that. Okay, so uh yeah, we're we're going on about an hour here, so uh, I'm just gonna take a chance to wrap it up. And I have really enjoyed uh this podcast with you and this conversation with you. A lot of great insight to your life and what you've gone through, and how that's helped you develop, how you help other people now, and what is the best way people can reach you?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, sure. So I have uh two podcast shows. Um, one is uh the relationship revival podcast, which has over 200 episodes on relationships and how to make them thrive and become closer and heal. And um, so there's my relationship podcast, and I have another one called Healing with Psychedelics, which is looking at how psychedelics can help people with depression, anxiety, and relationship problems. So those are how people can sort of listen more and find out more about me. And then I have my websites, which is nicolabeer.com and plantmedicinepower.com.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, great. And if I gave you a chance to say this is the one greatest piece of advice I could give people, what is that?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it's a short thing, I'll explain, but I would say if for your relationship, focus on the five A's. So I'll just quickly go through them. The first A is affection. So physical affection is really important in a relationship and towards yourself. Um, attention, as we mentioned, that's a key thing. Um acceptance, accepting each other how you are, that really helps in a relationship, and then allowing, going further than just accepting your differences, allowing each other to be who you really are. And the last of the five A's, which is key, is um admiring each other, respecting each other, talking highly of each other, telling each other I'm proud of you, I appreciate you, and I can see your good qualities. These five A's really keep a relationship so close together. So, and they're quite easy to remember.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, they are. That's great advice. I love it. And uh thank you, Nicola, for being on my show today. I think this was uh one of the best podcasts I've ever had. So uh I love everything that we talked about today and what you've discussed. And for me, if you would go to brandonheld.com and subscribe to my podcast if you like the show and support the show, that would be greatly appreciated. And uh, I'm just gonna give a little tiny plug quickly to my second podcast that I just started, and it's called the Buckeye Battle Cry Show, and it's a YouTube show, so it is also on video. And if you want to follow me on YouTube at Buckeye Battle Cry Show, it's a college football podcast. If anyone likes college football and would want to check it out, so uh this is Brandon Held, Life is Crazy. I appreciate you listening to us today, and I will talk to you next time.

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Brandon Held

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